♪ Allen Gregory 1x07 ♪ Van Moon Rising Original Air Date on December 18, 2011
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
♪ Ya, ya...
♪ Ya, ya
♪ Allen
♪ Gregory
♪ Allen, Allen.
Oh, little Judy.
You had your whole life ahead of you.
(voice breaking): Ahead of... us.
You'll never have her now.
Not like I did.
And I had her all day, every day.
You son of a bitch!
Don't crush me, Allen Gregory!
Don't do it, best friend,
he's not worth it.
Hell, I'd love nothing more than to watch you smoke this clown,
but that's not gonna bring your lady back.
(sobbing): You're right, it's not!
She's dead, and she was only 86!
Now, get out of here before he changes
his damn mind, old man. Okay.
Sid's right, you know.
I never made a play,
and now... clock's run out.
(wheezing sob)
(alarm clock buzzing)
(gasps)
I thought I lost you, babe.
Julie... if I were your clothes, what size would I be?
Oh, no, not another fund-raiser.
That's right, it's not just another fund-raiser.
This one's for Africa,
which is where you're... not from.
It might be fun, Jules.
Get all dressed up, eat a fancy dinner.
Have Richard nudge me and whisper,
"Be more ethnic" every time I meet someone.
Well, if you took the note the first time,
I'd only have to give it once.
I don't even know what it means.
I'd explain it to you, Jules, but guess what?
I don't have the time.
Because the clock... it doesn't stop for any of us.
One day you wake up and wonder, "What's my purpose?
"To be flaunted around
"like a piece of Asian street meat
or some useless boy toy?"
Well, it's too late for you two, yes,
but it's not for me.
It's time, bitch.
(glass shatters)
I wonder which one of you he was calling "bitch."
(shower running)
(humming tune)
(turns off water)
I, uh, heard the water shut off,
so I thought you might like your coffee
while you get yourself made up.
Although why you bother with makeup is a mystery to me.
Very sweet, Sidney.
I hope you think the same about this.
Happy Anniversary.
Oh, Sid.
What happened to us not making a fuss?
I know, I know, I just couldn't help myself.
Oh, a new pill case.
Nope, your old one.
I was able to repair the plastic hinge on the Thursday box
with a little help from Mr. Glue Gun.
Go ahead, test it.
I see.
It's very... nice.
You know, since it is our anniversary,
and you're in that very sexy towel...
Gotta get to work.
Yeah, me as well, me as well.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is all wrong.
Jeremy, why did you bring me here?
We should've gone to one of those secondhand shops.
Don't you want to find something nice for Julie to wear?
It's a charity benefit, you bonehead.
You really think Julie should saunter in wearing Oscar de la Renta
in front of all those underprivileged people?
- Well, no, but... - Oh, no.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Don't look. Don't look.
Jeremy, what did I say?! What did I say?!
- Who is that? - It's Perry Van Moon.
The guy from college who makes you hate yourself?
No, the other Perry Van Moon who makes me hate myself, Jeremy.
Ooh, I despise him.
- De Longpre? - Oh, Perry!
Dickles De Longpre.
Well, I don't actually go by Dickles anymore.
Never did...
(chuckles) Classic Dickles.
Who's your buddy?
Oh, this? This is my husband, Jeremy.
Ooh, you got a tight grip there, Jeremy. I like it.
Oh, thanks.
So, you still doing nothing
with the ol' life there, or...?
Uh, no, actually, really into my charity work.
Africa.
Don't know if you've heard, but...
lot goin' down over there.
Oh, yes, well aware.
I'm actually on the board, so, uh...
On the board of Africa?
I don't think there's a board of Africa, huh, Jeremy?
Well, I actually meant the board of the charity.
You were with me, right, man?
I was totally... on board.
(laughing) (laughing)
Ah, he was on board. That was good, Jeremy.
So I guess I'll see you guys there.
Oh, I know-- we should sit together.
I'll set it up since I run the whole thing.
Yeah, great. Great idea.
But FYI-- it's gonna be three of us.
We went ahead and adopted a starving Cambodian child.
Just trying to make a dent, one life at a time, you know?
Oh, do I ever?
Babatunde.
Hello, Dad.
You adopted an African boy?
Well, I don't think of it that way.
I mean, he's just my African son.
Babatunde.
You ready for the cages, pal?
Ooh, you keep him in a cage.
No. The batting cages.
Kid loves sports.
- You got it, didn't you, Jeremy? - Yeah, Per.
It was a meatball right down the middle.
(laughing): Meatball right down the middle.
That was good. I love this Jeremy.
Who was that, Daddy?
Oh, that's absolutely nobody.
65 years of marriage...
(door opening)
Judy, I need you to listen, and I need you to listen good.
Get the hell out of here.
I won't get the hell out of here.
I'm done getting the hell out of here.
I mean, what are we doing, Jude?
What are we waiting for?
Let's pull the trigger on this thing.
Allen Gregory, not today.
Well, then when? Tonight? Tomorrow?
'Cause the following night is no good for me.
I can maybe squeeze something in late afternoon-style, but...
Okay. I don't have time for this.
I don't either, and that's the whole point.
(groans)
You were in my dreams last night, babe.
Oh, my God.
It's okay, it wasn't sexual.
I mean, there's always a sexual undertone, but...
I'm gonna count to three,
and when I turn around you better be gone.
One...
Wait, so I have till three? ...two...
Well, stop for one second, 'cause I'm just trying
to clarify whether... ...three!
(sighs)
I had a new thought...
Hey, Allen Gregory.
Just leave it alone, Pat.
It doesn't concern you, okay?
Hey there, sluts. What's with the shades?
Yeah. What, do your eyes hurt
from looking up Patrick's butt?
I feel weird having to say this, Ian,
but it's dark inside people's butts.
You wouldn't need sunglasses.
It's literally called "Where the sun don't shine."
Yeah, you guys are right. Stupid Ian.
So back to the glasses.
They're lame. I want 'em.
Wait, just... (laughter)
GUILLERMO: It was covering a blemish.
Allen Gregory, what's that on your face?
It's nothing. I-I walked into a door...
at the bottom of the stairs I fell down.
- Oh, gotcha. - What do you want to hear, Patrick?!
You want to hear that the door I walked into was named Gottlieb?
Or that the stairs I fell down had the same name as that door?
- Gottlieb? - You weren't there.
She's a good woman, damn it.
She loves me, but I egged her on.
I practically dared her to do it.
This was all my fault.
Don't take it out on her, Patrick.
Well, if it's your fault, maybe you should apologize.
You said a mouthful there, boy-o.
So much wisdom locked up
in that big, red tomato can you call a head, huh?
Thanks.
Oh, and Patrick-- pop into that middle stall,
give that toilet a big old flush for me.
(toilet flushing)
Of course Perry Van Moon adopts a perfectly-themed African boy
for the fund-raiser.
He knew I was gonna be there,
so he ran down to that adoption agency and he said,
"Give me an African one
that I can pretend to know in front of Richard."
Or he didn't consider you at all,
and adopted the kid for the right reasons?
Okay, new idea. We take Julie back,
tell them it's not working, we can't crack her,
we want to swap her out for something else.
Richard... Hang with me.
We skip this benefit because Van Moon's
got us on the ropes,
find out the theme of the next one,
and get a kid that fits that.
- Thoughts. - Uh, I think maybe there's an easier,
and possibly more sensible way to go about this.
Oh, really?
Jeremy's got the fix?
Can't wait for Big Bad Jeremy to storm into town
with his fancy idea machine.
What is it?
Well, you could talk to Julie.
Actually get to know your daughter.
Jeremy, you sneaky bitch.
(rock hitting window)
Obviously this is awkward.
Things were said, things went down.
Certain people were struck in the face.
Look, about that... No, no. Let me finish.
What happened shouldn't have happened,
and an apology is definitely in order.
So, Judith... I'm sorry!
Don't interrupt me, this is hard eno...
You're sorry.
Yes. And I'd appreciate it if you kept this between us.
I'd lose my job if it got out.
You'd lose your job because you hit
a defenseless child,
who is in no way responsible for what happened.
What do you want?
- Excuse me? - In exchange for keeping your mouth shut.
Judy, that hurts me.
You think I would use this unfortunate incident as leverage?
Dinner.
- What? - Say 7:00?
Say it. Dinner at 7:00.
I'll make a rez.
It'll be under, "Let's do this."
Uh!
RICHARD: Okay, give me an easy one.
Okay, here we go. What is Julie's middle name?
(groans)
Coming out of the gate with a stumper.
Cory.
You think my middle name is Cory?
Rory?
Oh, give me a hint. First letter.
"L." And it's not Lori.
Well, it's not Lori, it's not Rory.
At this point, I'm starting to think
it doesn't rhyme with Cory at all.
Um, okay.
Hey, how about a simple "yes or no," huh?
Does Julie like movies?
Does Julie... like movies?
I feel like I know this one.
We've been to the movies together.
Yeah, that doesn't help me.
Well, it could. Think back, try to remember.
Okay. I know we went to see Going the Distance.
That's right.
Justin Long starred as Garrett, a young hipster
who recently got out of a long-term relationship,
he's still licking his wounds, doesn't want anything serious.
Okay?
Sure enough, he meets Erin, a journalism grad
who's only in town for the summer.
You know more about Going the Distance than me.
I know more about it than anybody.
That movie's like a daughter to me.
Come on, Gottlieb. He's just a kid.
You fought in Korea for God's sake.
(knocking) What?!
Delivery for Judith Gottlieb.
From Allen Gregory De Longpre.
Oh, my God. Okay.
"Wear this and nothing else."
Oh, for Pete's sake.
(knocking)
Poops?
Oh, Sid.
This isn't really a good time.
Okay, gotcha.
Just wanted to float an idea by you for tonight--
couple of Hungry-Mans right into a little Bones-a-thon.
The show, not...
Can't. I-I'm working late tonight.
All right, not a problem. That's what a DVR is for.
That's why we pay $4.99 a month to lease it.
Smart, Sidney.
Oh.
You guys in for my BBQ later?
It's gonna be pretty tight.
I can't.
I have to go to a fund-raiser with my dad.
Sounds more like a "fun" raiser.
See what I did there? You dropped the "D."
Yeah, dropped the "D." She's lovin' it, Jules.
What's the cause? Anything we can get behind?
It's for Africa. Oh, is everything okay?
Uh, no, Beth, it's so not okay.
Africa's got problems.
I know it's hard to hear, but it's the cold, hard truth.
Oh, there you are. So many kids, it's like
a salmon farm in this place.
Dad, what are you doing here? We need a last minute
"get to know Julie" cram sesh.
Girls?
Ew.
Okay. Let's get to the nuts of this.
- For you to memorize. - What is this?
Well, since it's impossible to remember all the stuff you like,
I figured that you should just like
all the stuff that I can remember.
Does that make sense? Yeah, makes sense to me.
This is Drew Barrymore's character description
from Going the Distance.
Ooh, Erin. Such a great role.
You could really sink your teeth into that, Jules.
But it's not me.
And I'm not gonna memorize this because I'm not going!
Mmm. You're from Africa, huh, bud?
Well, no, my family's from India, but...
Ugh, you're the worst.
Wow. Look at you.
I've never seen so much beauty
squeezed into so little Vera Wang.
Let's just eat our food and get this over with.
Oh, there's three kinds of bread.
Mama loves her carbs.
So I was thinking we'd do a round of hors d'oeuvres,
maybe a cheese plate, some truffled quail eggs...
I know what you're doing.
Don't drag this out.
I eat it, then I beat it.
Sure, as you wish. Jean-Michel!
Ah, Mr. De Longpre. Welcome back.
Would you like to hear the specials?
No.
Just bring us our trays and we'll get our stuff.
(chuckles) Oh.
- This is not that kind of place. - Huh?
You see, this is a fine dining establishment.
Not a-a... a food court.
I'm what you call a waiter...
Jean-Michel, you heard the lady.
But, sir, we don't have...
Two... trays.
Very well, sir.
(classical music plays)
Ugh, I feel so naked without Julie.
It's like no one even knows we have her.
But that's not why we have her. Right?
Richard?
Is this seat taken?
I'm kidding, of course it's not.
I run this whole thing, I could take your seat if I wanted.
(others laughing) WOMAN: Oh, Perry.
Is that an empty spot there, Dickles?
Geez, I put you down plus two.
I see Jeremy there-- what's up, homes?
Ah, hey, Per. Hey, Babatunde.
And-and remind me, the other seat was for...?
Julie, my adopted...
Julie, right, your adopted daughter from...
- (sighs) Cambodia. - Yeah.
And that's not in Africa?
No, they're separate continents, actually.
Okay, Jeremy.
Actually, a lot of people would say it's worse over there.
Well, I guess the Times wouldn't.
They did a piece ranking
the world's most impoverished regions...
Oh, and you have it... Let's see here...
number one, Africa-- knew that--
two, three, four...
(smacking lips)
(Van Moon clicks tongue)
(Van Moon muttering)
(Van Moon humming)
(continues humming)
(muttering)
Beep... beep... beep... beep.
Boop! 17, Cambodia.
There it is. So, where is Julie?
Did we get to the bottom of that?
She's... with her boyfriend.
He's moving away, which she knew,
but now there are real feelings involved,
so they're trying to figure out
if the relationship has legs to...
Go the distance?
That's our favorite movie, Papa! We watch it every night!
Ah, don't beat yourself up.
No way you could've known.
Does somebody want to help Dickles find his face?
Probably somewhere on the floor.
Oh thanks, Barb. That's where I was gonna suggest people look.
(laughing)
So tell me about you.
I want to hear about Judy.
What do you want to know?
Everything, really. Were you always this beautiful,
or did you go through an awkward phase at some point?
- Huh? - I mean, before you were principal,
you obviously started out modeling
and then made the transition. How did it...?
- Modeling? - I've never done any modeling.
Allen Gregory, stop.
(whispers): Never.
(watch alarm beeping)
Oh, awkward. Pill time.
LAMPIS: "Ah, Sweet Judy Blue Eyes.
Take one of these for every day of the week that I love you."
Always... Sidney.
Aw, Sid.
Anyway, focusing back up for a second.
I... I shouldn't be here.
- I have to go. - What?
Was it-was it something I said?
Judy?
Judy!
Woman, right?
You're telling me.
No, I'm asking you-- that was a woman, right?
Dinner over already?
Oh, no, it's still going on.
Richard was really flailing.
It was painful to watch.
Wish I could've seen that.
There's still time.
Sorry, I'm busy.
Julie...
Wait, is this Going the Distance?
Yeah.
I'm trying to figure out why it's more interesting than me.
It's not.
Look... Richard loves you.
I don't have any actual proof,
but I believe in his own very limited way,
he does love you.
He loves us.
Does he? I think he does.
I'm not sure I do. Julie, please.
Just let me believe this, it's all I have.
If you pull that thread, the whole thing unravels.
Okay, okay, he loves us.
And... we love him.
Okay, how about this...
if Perry Van Moon wins tonight,
your dad's not gonna take that so well.
If he loses...
we lose huge.
I'm scared, Julie.
We could really use a hero right now.
But it's up to you.
ERIN (on TV): But, Garrett, it's so far!
Babe... come on, get in the car.
This is crazy already.
- What are you gonna do, walk home? - Yes.
Can you honestly tell me you didn't enjoy tonight?
It was a nice time, okay?
It was a welcome change of pace,
with the big napkin that covered the whole table,
and the man coming over,
but it's done now.
Okay. If that's really the way you feel about it,
then I guess Superintendent Rossmyre and I
have some catching up to do.
I knew you'd come around.
Now, come on.
Quit being silly, ya goose.
Do what you have to do. I'm going home to my husband.
Good night, Allen Gregory.
He has just never been a sleeper.
There was only one way that I could
ever put the little sucker down.
Remember what it was, buddy?
"Breathe."
"Breathe"
by Faith Hill.
I would sing it to him every night.
Aw... Aw, what a great dad.
♪ 'Cause I can feel you breathe ♪
♪ It's washing over me
♪ Suddenly I'm melting into you ♪
♪ There's nothing left to prove ♪
♪ 'Tunde, all we need is just to be ♪
He loved it when I would sub in his name.
♪ Caught up in the touch
♪ The Babatunde rush
♪ And, baby, isn't that the way ♪
♪ That love's supposed to be
Two, three.
♪ I can feel you breathe.
RICHARD: Oh!
Oh, that is so funny, Perry.
That is so laugh-out-loud funny, Perry.
Because my Julie was the same way.
Couldn't sleep a wink.
I'd have to sing to her every night.
- And what did you sing? - Huh?
The song, Dick, what was it?
(quietly): ♪ I can feel you breathe...
(hums, mutters)
The same song?
Was it?
Oh, I didn't put that together.
But, yeah, now that you mention it, it is the same song.
- So weird. - Yeah,
you'd think you would've noticed it when he was just singing it.
Seems like you made up that story
just like you made up your fake daughter.
What?!
Table of friends, I think somebody's lying about
having an adopted child from a poverty-stricken nation.
- You gotta be a giant jackass... - Perry knows when people are lying.
No! I'm not lying. She's...
JULIE: Right here.
Sorry I'm late, Dad.
Julie. How did you...?
I was at the airport saying good-bye to Garrett.
Right... your boyfriend.
We're gonna try to make it work, see if we can go the distance.
And when I say "go the distance,"
I mean both emotionally and the physical distance
that will be between us.
Yeah, I guess it has two meanings.
Two.
Well, speaking of distance,
Babatunde, go long!
(guests gasping)
Damn it, Babatunde! What's the matter with you?
I'm sorry, Perry. I don't like football.
I don't like sports at all.
What? You don't mean that.
He doesn't mean that. (laughs nervously)
He doesn't mean that.
Baba! (guests murmuring)
Julie, I...
I know, Dad.
I love you, too.
Oh, I wasn't gonna... Oh.
Yeah. I was gonna say...
thanks for coming.
You're welcome.
And your middle name, it's Leslie, isn't it?
Sure, Dad. Sure.
Uh, Ms. Gottlieb, Superintendent Rossmyre is in your office.
ROSSMYRE: Judith, you out there?
- Yeah... - Well, get your ass out of park
and back that camper on in here. We got business.
You and I need to have a very serious conversation
and I'm gonna need you to come back around
and sit in one of these chairs in front of me.
Oh, okay. Judith,
a faculty member hitting a student is a major offense.
I know. Not only is it a career-killer,
but it's a freedom-killer.
As in... jail time.
- Oh, God. - Oh, God, is right.
We need to do something about the fact that you...
let his teacher do such a thing.
Wait, he said Gina hit him?
Of course.
Seems kinda weird the way you told me.
I know. Allen Gregory was very specific
about how he wanted me to break it to you.
I didn't quite understand it myself,
but he's the boss.
You wanted to see me?
Gina! You look good.
And you hit a student.
Jude, you taking off? I thought you wanted my help.
Oh, I got it from here.
And I'm gonna need the office for a few.
No, don't leave me alone...
Oh... what to do about this pickle?
Oh, please don't use "pickle" again
as a way to show me your... (zipper opens)
== sync, corrected by elderman ==